A Nervous Post

I shouldn't be doing Grad School right now. It something I keep feeling more and more sure of as the days go by. I'm almost $100,000 in debt and that's just the undergrad. I don't have means for paying this. I don't know if getting this masters will really get me the means to pay it later. I keep having these terrifying visions of drowning in mountains of money that I owe other people, and I wonder why people do this? I want to help people but in order to do so I've got to cripple myself because I am terribly unprepared. And trying to find real help to get prepared to deal with this whole financial thing is so confusing. The people are so nonchalant about everything. It leaves me with the distinctly serious feeling that I SHOULD NOT BE DOING THIS.

My parent's are very sure otherwise. Don't worry about it now. You have to spend a little to make a lot. But it's not like I'm going into an exactly lucrative career. It's not like I'm going to be making large sums of money to pay back the even larger sums of money I owe. The amount I owe is going to be disabling me from really doing the good things that I want to do.

I keep thinking that on this one I really should throw the towel in. I really should call it a day, and just go find a way to earn money until I've paid for a large portion of my undergrad. Like 40,000 or so. Just knock it down by a fair amount and then, once you have to footing necessary to stand strong, go back and kick ass.

I'm very scared. I'm very out there. Things are out of my control and it has me terrified.

The Beginning Of The End (somewhat..)

Holy cow!

The end of summer break got away from me! I get semi-busy (or just too lazy to log on and post) and then I turn around and here I am already through week one of school! Crazy!!

The rest of the roadtrip was excellent!

We made it up to Wisconsin, went water skiing and minigolfing. We went to dinner at the Olive Garden and watched the Departed. Then we went to Madison for a day, and then the Dave Concerts. For the whole previous week it had been raining torrential downpours on Wisconsin and other portions of the midwest (finally making up for that drought we'd been hit with earlier in the year). The Friday before the concert Alpine played host to a Rage Against The Machine and Queens of the Stoneage concert. Rage Fans+Torrential Downpour+Outdoor venue... You do the math. Suffice it to say that things were muddy... But no worries. James and I managed to stay high and dry.

That sunday at 12am after the concert I had to make a mad cross-country dash from East Troy, Wisconsin all the way back to Haslett, Michigan, in order to get James to class on time. As planned I rolled into home at 7AM on the dot. There was only one brief incident behind the wheel of the car when I woke up as we were plunging off the road into a ditch. I managed to save us, caffinate heavily, and continue onward. (which reminds me that I need to pay a toll that I still owe...)

Now I'm back in Chicago, beginning my last year at Columbia College (YAY ME!). This, in and of itself, proposes a whole new series of problems and questions which I am starting to answer. Namely that of Grad School. Where am I going to go? I'm down to three major choices. UCLA, UW Madison, and UofM. I don't want to elaborate right now on this (seeing as I need to do some more research and soul searching) but the idea is there. Any and all opinions are welcome.

In terms of writing (the major focus of this blog (supposedly)) I'm starting to make some serious headway in the rider's story. I sat down the other day and worked the kinks out of the story (sort of). While I am refusing to tie down any major plot line (instead let it find its own way) I have figured out some major vibe directions that I want it to go to. While at home I debated and chatted with my writerly friend, Duke, the story, and some vague long term goals. He convinced me that I should look into doing it as a trilogy, and, in order to drive the pace of the book, I should figure out the vibe of the book, the mood, and some major storytelling techniques that will be employed. That will allow me the freedom to have the story be its own exciting self, while allowing it to actually have some semblence of direction. So yesterday I sat down with pen in hand and hammered out the major mood direction for each book of the trilogy (thinking trilogy now, debating maybe longer if necessary). Things came together. Now I just have to write the damn things...

Anywhoo I'm back on the reference desk at the library, and I need to look productive