Sunday, May 18, 2008

Thoughts From After The Fact

Straight up, I don't know what to think.

I graduated today, and here less than twelve hours later I'm back in Michigan no longer living in Chicago. I'm not sure what to think of it. I know that as of right now, I don't like it. I don't like it at all. It feels like such a massive step back. A dropping of all the good and awesome things I had going and a picking up of all the old and problematic things I'd left behind. It's not that, I know. It's really just a return to a holding pattern as I circle once again waiting to land. But like an airline I feel like I'm just preparing to land at another port, pick up a bunch of people and just take off again leaving the previous load behind.

For the two years I was in Chicago I kept telling myself, "make no roots, get in get out get done," and then, just within the last 5 months or so I really started to settle in. I started to meet people I respected, started getting comfortable with people, making real friends, getting situated, only to have it usurped. Have a life that I was growing to really really love just get pulled away. And I don't understand me, but it is never until afterward that I really savor what I had. The glory of my routine last fall where I was being UBER productive, reading, writing, exercising, and just generally kicking ass in my setting. And this semester, though i griped about the work and the stress and how much I couldn't wait to get done, I am now savoring the moments I had. Seeing my friends as I was moving couch to couch. Long talks and gripes and many many beers with Lane. Preproduction sessions including lots of smoking with Mike and Andrew and eventually Sam. Long nights watching Lost with Lisa and Dan. Lots of good things not savored enough until they're gone and I'm on my own again.

Moving down to Columbia was an interesting situation. Fresh from a breakup that had a lot of strings attached and a lot of pieces to pick up. I'd planned on doing my time and getting out (which made that great opportunity sound like a prison sentence) and the feeling stuck for the first year. The summer started to fix it, being in a new apartment with a new roommate. Then in the fall my friend Kristy finally dragged me out and forced me to be sociable and it's been all uphill since then.

Only to hit this frustrating bump of switching tracks and having to start running on a new direction. It feels like a step back when it shouldn't.

I talked to my parents a bit about this on the way home, and it helped a bit, but not really. I've just got to figure out what I want and where I want to be. Some of it, I'm convinced, comes from being single. Some of it comes from having a fairly lax plan. Some of it is just life, man, I mean that is what this is I'm dealing with, just that next step in life.

Dan Rather spoke at our graduation. It was very interesting. He had lots of good things to say about being the now. Not just the future. I liked that.

This summer is going to be a writing summer. If I'm stuck at home then I'm going to be productive. The idea is 6 short stories and 1 novel by the time school starts in the fall.

I don't know where I want to end up after. And I know that is a lot of thinking ahead, but longer plans feel so much safer and more malleable than figuring out how I'm going to deal with this move.

My friend Lane called me not long after I crossed the Michigan border and was asking about when I planned on coming down next. He sounded bummed that the soonest I was thinking was end of June, and he talked about how we should shoot to get together sometime in the next month. It hurt. It hurt knowing I've made these friends that are built on so little time to just turn around and say goodbye to them again.

That's really all the thoughts I've had. Lots of thinking in circles. Trying to figure what I want and who I want to be around. Sorry if this post was so rambling. Back to the writing tomorrow.

Yay I'm graduated.

1 comments:

Anonymous May 19, 2008 at 9:06 PM  

been there done that. it all works out in the end. keep on keepin' on. best of luck.

matt